Dear Mr. Trump,
If your twittertantrums with Morning Joe last week taught us anything, it’s that “every time one of these tweeting disasters occurs, it reminds us that the United States president has no more discernible self-control than a 10-year-old bully who works out his failure to pass third grade by tormenting the little kids on the playground.”
Speaking of Morning Joe, Joe and Mika recently compared you rationalizing your behavior to that of “a kid pooping their pants and then saying, ‘I meant to do that.'” For once, you and I might agree: they got that wrong.
You see, you act like a kid who poops his pants in public and then screams at everyone assembled that it didn’t happen. Then you trot out your spin doctors to insist that you didn’t do it, but if you did, you actually meant to do it. Then you call everyone “fake news” for talking about it. And then you tweet something even more scandalous to distract everyone, lay all the blame on Hillary Clinton, and call the New York Times failing. Three times. In one day.
You need to know that those descriptions are your current legacy: an apprentice President whose only major accomplishment 6 months into office is that 40% of the American public still approve of you. I have three sons, and if any of them grow up to be like you, I will consider myself an abject failure as a parent. That’s because I want them to grow up to be men, a concept that seems to escape you.
But since you are the President and I love my country, I figure the least I can do is appeal to your id, which wants so much to be revered as a powerful, virulent man. Talk is cheap, sir. You want to actually be a man? Then grow a pair and take it like a man.
What’s a real man?
Urban Dictionary sums it up pretty well.
A “real man” is the what you young folk might call old-fashioned. Chivalry is not dead! A real man has manners, is polite, and considerate. He is honest and open and true to himself. He will fight for and defend the people that he loves. He is a hard-worker. He is not spiteful. He respects women and shows appreciation for all of his blessings. A real man is the provider of the family. He is strong, physically and mentally, and is never too proud to exhibit strong emotion. Once committed, he is faithful to only her. He does not watch porn or disrespect her in any other way. He helps with housework and is a role model for his children. A real man knows who he is, what he wants, and is grateful for what he has.
Let’s run with that for now.
Shall we go through that list with you?
Here’s my tally: No, no, no. No, no, and again, no. Yes, you’d like to think so, definitely not. As if. No way. Pffft, no way in hell. Maybe, yes, and never in a million years.
But don’t take my word for it. Let’s take yours. Like your tweets.
According to the didtrumptweetit.com database, you have been the likely author of 596 tweets since your inauguration (as of July 3rd). Seventy-four of them (12.4%) have been you whining about “fake news.” In simpler terms for your busy lifestyle, more than one out of every ten of you getting “the honest and unfiltered message out,” has been spent crying like a spoiled toddler that any story that isn’t nice to you is made up.
Since the sentiment of your tweets factors into the didtrumptweetit.com model, I got in touch with the curator to ask what the stats are on how positive or negative your tweets are. He told me that since you were sworn into office, three out of every ten of your tweets have been negative. You insult, complain, mock, and slander almost as often as you write anything with a positive message. So I decided to test this for myself, since those statistics are based on automated methods that I don’t understand.
I went through and read (God help me) all 596 of those tweets and rated them. Guess what? More than one out of every two of your tweets are some combination of you insulting someone, whining about something, and lying.
Now you tell me, is this what a real man does?
All this bullying and sniveling, it’s from what, a few people saying a few mean things about you? Something about sticks and stones comes to mind here. They’re words. Who cares? I mean, honestly, my seven-year-old walks that walk better than you.
You know what a real man once said? “As president of our country and commander in chief of our military, I accept that people are going to call me awful things every day. And I will always defend their right to do so.” That was your predecessor, Barack Obama, who by the way, didn’t have a single day in his eight years in office where he wasn’t assailed by lies, insults, and epithets. A lot of them came from you, with your pathetic fake news about his birth certificate. Yeah, he responded a few times, but not with name calling. He took it like a man. You know what else? He does everything else on that list up there.
So seriously, what gives? Were you the limp, flaccid loser everyone kicked sand on at the playground? Does public scorn threaten your manhood? Do insults make you impotent? Do you have anything else in there besides “sniveling brat?” For crying out loud, you’re the President. You won. But your ego is so fragile, you can’t even stay on message for two days straight.
So grow a pair, do your job, and take it like a real man. Because right now, you are just so utterly and tremendously pathetic, and we are all so sick and tired of having Archie Bunker in charge, instead of an actual leader.
Featured image from flickr